As I sit at my desk, staring out into the blue sky, I attempt to recall the exact moment when I realized that hurt had become my shield. I wore it like a crest; majestic and proud. I claimed that all circumstances were what they were due to the pain I felt in my soul.
Never giving much thought to my own responsibility in any matter, I allowed myself to be a victim. Standing tall, I spewed words of cruelty and dismay; only to ease the suffering that I was placing upon my own reality.
I see the error of my ways now. Years of darkness harbored over me as I relentlessly tried to succumb to some form of serenity. Clouds cradled my mind leading me to believe that all of the pain in the world was simple necessity of being human.
I fell to my own demons in time. They lied, cheated and tortured my life for far too long. My awakening was one that I didn’t see coming, yet was imperative to stand on stable ground.
Have you felt hopeless before? As if your world is crashing down and all you can do is surrender to the darkness. Have you felt the life drift from your sights so that you begin to believe this is your fate?
Our generations are hurt. They are scarred from pains of the past. They are held to believe that their future is dependent on their ancestors. Not seeing that our future is what they choose to make of it.
I held hurt. I allowed it to sew its cloak of sadness into the threads of my existence. I thought that generational curses were mine to bare. I was unsure of how to break the mold to become who I wanted to be; not who I was told to become.
When I stood on my own two feet, grounded to the Earth and prepared to stand against the storm, I knew my purpose was closing in. I had been the wearer of darkness and the cultivator of pain. I had been the diminished version of my own identity to walk as someone I was told to be.
The tragic mind that I carried with me had seen a light; new and unapologetic. Refreshing and resonating in love; I just had to grasp it with both hands.
My life became light, my soul became softened and my eyes began to see love. I no longer lived under a hardened shell of expectation and fear; I was free to become the passionate, creative person I knew I could be.
I felt it in my core. Knowing I was meant for more; more fulfillment, more happiness and more adventure. When I began to see my life through my own eyes, I was able to take leaps of faith, not knowing the outcome, yet assured that I was to be more than I ever imagined.